(This is based on a true story as told to me by Esmeralda at our MAV (mature athlete version) boot camp. I’ve loosely followed the chain of events, made up all of the dialogue as I saw fit and slipped in a wee bit of hyperbole, subtle sexual innuendo and some downright lies.)
Well, Esmeralda was shocked when some of the neighbouhood kids knocked at the door and told her they saw a squirrel in her window, her bedroom window.
She headed upstairs and could see the squirrel’s shadow shifting in staccato movements behind the blinds.
“Manny!” she called over her shoulder, summoning her husband to come help with the situation. When he arrived, she said, “There’s a squirrel inside our room. See? It’s there behind the blinds.” Manny followed the line of her outstretched hand, finger pointing erectly toward the window.
Like most men, he didn’t truly believe his wife so he pulled the blinds up quickly to see for himself. The startled squirrel, channeling its flying squirrel cousins, leapt out towards Manny, who promptly screeched like a little girl who’s had her pigtails pulled.
“Get it! Get it!” Esmeralda yelled as she jumped on the bed and assumed a defensive karate-like stance. She then snatched up a towel that was on the bed and held it outstretched in front of her. You might think she was going to use this to capture the squirrel, but she was really using it more like a shield. Hiding behind it, not so much like a demure damsel in an artsy French film but more like a Quentin Tarantino version of a demure damsel.
She could hear the squirrel skittering around the bedroom. At one point it landed on the bed, she eased the towel down slowly and looked at the end of the bed. Yup, there it was, beautiful thick hair, soft and sleek-looking and coming altogether at the end in an explosion of bushy tail.
Esmeralda dragged her eyes away from the creature’s body and looked into its face. Teeth bared in a sinister grin and eyes alight with panic and ferocity. Esmeralda emitted, not so much a screech like girly Manny had, but more of a guttural groan, and flash-danced her feet to expend the fearful energy that was rising. This in turn, quite fortuitously for Esmeralda, double-bounced the squirrel off the bed.
She had her eyes closed, breath held waiting for the next wave of frantic pawing and panting, but there was only silence.
“Manny?” she whispered. “Do you know where it went?”
There was a long pause, a slow exhalation of breath and then Manny finally spoke in a slow, dulcet tone, “Yes, I know where it is.”
When he said no more, Esmeralda opened her eyes. She wasn’t sure if she should scream or laugh for there was the squirrel hanging on for dear life to Manny’s purple soccer shorts. Yes, people, claws to ass cheeks.
She glanced over to Manny’s face. He wore an expression of pain mixed with a bit of guilty pleasure. “Well,” she thought, “I knew he enjoyed 50 shades of Grey more than he let on. That’s it. I’m buying those damn handcuffs!”
Just then the Squirrel saw its moment and flung itself at the window screen and made a noisy escape. Esmeralda and Manny rushed to the window to ensure it was gone and were met with applause from all the neighbours who quite enjoyed the show.